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We need to stop calling it ‘reactive abuse.’ When a victim explodes, shuts down, or melts down, they’re having a nervous‑system‑driven response to a threat. Their reaction might look intense because, to their nervous system, it IS an intense situation. Labeling the victim’s response as ‘abusive too’ is a tactic often used in abusive relationships: mutual wounding and blame sharing. Abuse is the intentional use of tactics to destabilize, intimidate, and control. The abuser is abusing. The victim
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